Liquid Lightning

by John Haley
I can’t stand coffee. Just the idea of pouring something hot down my throat first thing in the morning makes me ill (sorry, all you java junkies out there). For years I have been into Coca-Cola™, but the last time I visited the dentist, he was able to yodel and get a pretty decent echo from all of the cavities in my mouth. Apparently, the carbonated sugarwater that forms the base form of most soda is the anti-Christ to the dental community.

So where does that leave a caffeine addict who needs a quick fix? Can’t dip donuts in methadone. Well, that is what this issue’s “Cool Stuff” column is about. Not some expensive hardware item that you have to mortgage your children for, this issue it is something for the average Joe. Arizona Ginseng Iced Tea.

Yes, you heard me, Arizona Ginseng Iced Tea™. That is the beverage of choice lately around here at Ambrosia central. Don’t take any substitutes for the Ginseng flavor either. As far as we’re concerned, all of the other flavors are girly-man drinks for daisy wielding DOS dudes. The tea has the caffeine that you crave every time the sun climbs up over the horizon, but there is something extra. Ginseng. Hmmm. 

Personally, I don’t know a whole lot about this herb or root or whatever it is, except that it is supposed to give you extra energy. That it does, that it does. The same way a spray can of WD-40 gives a BBQ extra warmth. This stuff gets you going, and the 32 oz. bottles that we favor ensure that you have enough zip to get you through the day (and well into the evening). 

Besides its medicinal(?) effects, it is also pretty darn refreshing. I have not figured out yet if this is because of the tea, or because the bottle is so big I lose count of the chugs when I tip it up. Either way, on a hot Summer day, it really hits the spot. One negative side effect, either the Ginseng or the caffeine accelerates ones bladder exponentially. We are an hour and a half away from Niagara, but it seems whenever I open one of these bottles I can just hear the water rushing over the cliff. Not what you want to sip while waiting in line at the DMV or before a long car ride.

If you're an artsy-craftsy type, you're going to love the blue bottle it comes in. We have a sweet little old lady who wants to collect all of our empties so she can place them on windows throughout her house. This way the sun can filter through and tint her whole house blue. Hey, I said sweet, little, and old. I did not vouch for her marbles. Personally, I want to shave the bottoms off  a couple of bottles and dress up as Elton John for Halloween.

So if you find yourself one of the endangered “groggy & lethargic,” get a hold of some of this stuff. You too can start the day bright eyed and bushy tailed.